even if.

I make this difficult, I know and I understand that my actions have consequences and that one of them is not having a bond with my father. It hurts because he is my father, and as much as the two of us would love to know each other I don't think we will. You grow up, believing that your parents are infallible and perfect and you look at them with love and honor and then you grow up and don't know how you feel about them, or their decisions which have nothing to do with you but have everything to do with you. Because everyone has feelings but no one thinks about the scope of their decisions, or how they become afraid of their decisions and don't want them known or thought about or used against them which is something that won't ever happen. I will always love my father.
Always.
But I know, that a large part of my life comes from how I feel about him, and how our relationship makes me react to other people, and how I love other people. I feel selfish, but I feel like I can say this. I have to say this. This is my right as an adult, as a son, as what was a child.
I don't know how to have a relationship with my father. I remember our first argument, concerning my mother, and how it took us a while to talk after that. I don't even think it was about my mother, in retrospect. I think it was about wanting him to be with her, and not with anyone else-for him to be in her life like he was in his girlfriends. For him to be in my life always. I envied my friends who had married parents, and it bothered me that my parents weren't. But you can't change things you know?
And then I found out I had brothers, which hurt me. Everyone wants to be their fathers only boy, his only son-which was a belief I always carried with me until I knew. This shouldn't have affected me as much as it did but it hurt, and still does when I think of it. I can't be mad about my older brother, but my younger brother-
It crushed me. My mother doesn't know-but I do. And perhaps it isn't her business but how old is he now? I'm 19, which makes him 8, I was 11 when he was born. I got over the knowledge of my older brother within months, I would've loved to have known him and seen him for who he might be and who I look like-and take after, and act like.
but the younger-I don't want to acknowledge him. To tell the truth, I hate him and I feel like he's taken a part of me that's already been stretched thin and is now almost non-existent. I shouldn't feel the way I feel, but I do, and I realize that in the larger scheme of things this has a greater effect on me than I've realized or come to accept. It makes it worse to know that I was supposed to have been told about this-years ago and that it never happened and still hasn't happened.
and it hurts. And I feel like I don't belong, and though through blood we'll always have a bond, but that I'm not fully a son, it's wrong but I've always felt like a burden. Which is why I've never asked for anything. Which is why I only ask for help through school.
I was eager to stop being lonely and get to know him and make us something.
But you get older and realize that those opportunities have dwindled and now it'll be the hardest thing to accomplish.
I'm growing up, I'm not as responsible of an adult as I should be- but I feel like I've made something of myself even though I completely haven't had any large achievements yet. I've graduated high school without problems, I kept a nice group of friends and never had to be reprimanded on large decisions-or actions that could have negatively impacted my life. I survived never really being a teenager and taking care of my grandparents, and being the rock for my mom when she needed one. I got into college and I found what I want to do with myself which is be a writer and tell stories, and make people feel and realize things they wouldn't if they never thought about them.
Now, I'm almost 20 and the recurring theme of a need for him in my life isn't as a large as it used to be. To have him in my life will always be appreciated and though I'm never outwardly thankful, I am always internally gracious.
and it still hurts.